Living With Fibromyalgia

It never seems to fail.  The minute I think I have my fibromyalgia under control…a new symptom jumps out and gets me.  I start thinking, my fibromyalgia has not really “flared” real bad in a long time, PRAISE THE LORD, knock on wood, whatever I have to do to keep things going smoothly.  

I have  had a pretty good few weeks with my fibro, the pain was there, it never leaves, but it was bearable.  I was working, babysitting, playing my kids(and the ones I babysit for)being a “wife” to my husband in every aspect that is important to a marriage, a friend to the friends that have stuck by me through thick and thin, I was able to be the one helping others out when they needed it, instead of being the one that always needed help.  Even though I hurt, I felt almost human.  Then a little over a week ago, I got a flu or a cold, and went downhill very fast.  I spiraled down the fibro slide right into a flare waiting for me at the bottom.  I haven’t come out of my flare yet either.  I am still in so much pain, and on top of hurting ALL OVER MY BODY, I now have a pain in my side that I have had before and gone to the doctor for before, just to find out it’s fibromyalgia, rearing it’s ugly head once again.  I have had ruptured cysts on my ovaries(or atleast the fluid from a popped cyst) and they have caused this pain and there isn’t anything they want to do for me, so I lay around hurting for days on end…waiting for the pain to stop, and you can almost guarantee, by the time I would make it to the doctor for it, it would be significantly better or just AS bad as it was, but all the tests come back negative.  Fibromyalgia can affect any part of your body, your mind, your muscles, joints, and your insides. 

I know that I am going to come out of this flare and feel pretty good but right now, I just want somebody to take care of my kids for me, and my dogs for me and make them their meals.  I don’t want to ask anybody though because I have been working more hours and babysitting that I don’t feel right asking somebody to take them after being away from them for so long.  Right now…I want to crawl in my bed and sleep, but I am a mommy to two young children that need me to get up(not easy)get them dressed(really not easy) and make them meals(really really not easy)and keep them from beating each other up or getting hurt from climbing on or in things(extremely tiring and difficult to do).

I can’t wait until I get back to my pain that doesn’t cause me to bend over in pain, and I am having a very hard time coping with the idea of this causing me so much pain and dealing with the fact that I am 28 years old…29 in a few weeks…and I am going to have this monster in my muscles and body for the REST of my life.  I have been short tempered with my husband and children because I don’t feel well and even though I know I am doing it…it’s like an outer body experience, I can see that I am being wretched, and nasty, but I can’t seem to stop the garbage things I say from coming out of my mouth.  I have found myself in a position I don’t EVER like to be in, I have to apologize.  I have to find a way to make it up to my husband for being so awful to him.  I hurt so bad, I just want everybody to let me rest, but it’s impossible.

I know this too shall pass…and that is what I am hanging on for.

After 5 years of living with fibromyalgia, I have to the realization that yes, I am sick and I can only take life one day at a time. I can elliminate certain foods out of my diet to help elleviate some of the pain. I can take medication to soften the pain but what I have realized that now matter how much I adjust these things, if I don’t take ownership of this thing in my body and keep denying myself that it is real, then I will never be sane.

I also have to remove the stress out of my life. I tend to internalize everyone around me, so if they are stressed and having a bad day, then I feel that stress in my body. If someone is crying, then I am crying inside which then brings me pain. I think that the biggest stress in my life was living with a man for 13 years who was bipolar. I never knew what direction I was heading from day to day. I never knew what word would send off a reaction of yells. My body then started to respond to these temper tantrums and out came my fibromyalgia. Not only was I in pain emotionally but now my body. So, I became lost. I sought out the Lord, crying for help, healing, direction. The only direction he gave to me was to leave. So I did and so did the pain. I found myself and love again. I met a wonderful man who showed me what true love was about. I thought my life had been returned. I guess I started taking credit for myself instead of giving it to God.
I was given an amazing opportunity for my career. Little did I know that I was going to be walking into another box full of pain. My new supervisor, I believe is bipolar. I see similar reactions and behaviors that I did from my exhusband. What I had learned how to deal with that type of person helped me deal with my supervisor for almost a year, however 3 months into the new position, the pain returned.

I am now back onto medications, taking each day as praise if I can walk out of the office with a smile. I thank God every night for his many blessings and I know that one day, I will walk in glory and without any pain at all.

Please check out my websites:

http://trenajgologan.tripod.com

www.cafepress.com/fmawareness