Living With Fibromyalgia

It never seems to fail.  The minute I think I have my fibromyalgia under control…a new symptom jumps out and gets me.  I start thinking, my fibromyalgia has not really “flared” real bad in a long time, PRAISE THE LORD, knock on wood, whatever I have to do to keep things going smoothly.  

I have  had a pretty good few weeks with my fibro, the pain was there, it never leaves, but it was bearable.  I was working, babysitting, playing my kids(and the ones I babysit for)being a “wife” to my husband in every aspect that is important to a marriage, a friend to the friends that have stuck by me through thick and thin, I was able to be the one helping others out when they needed it, instead of being the one that always needed help.  Even though I hurt, I felt almost human.  Then a little over a week ago, I got a flu or a cold, and went downhill very fast.  I spiraled down the fibro slide right into a flare waiting for me at the bottom.  I haven’t come out of my flare yet either.  I am still in so much pain, and on top of hurting ALL OVER MY BODY, I now have a pain in my side that I have had before and gone to the doctor for before, just to find out it’s fibromyalgia, rearing it’s ugly head once again.  I have had ruptured cysts on my ovaries(or atleast the fluid from a popped cyst) and they have caused this pain and there isn’t anything they want to do for me, so I lay around hurting for days on end…waiting for the pain to stop, and you can almost guarantee, by the time I would make it to the doctor for it, it would be significantly better or just AS bad as it was, but all the tests come back negative.  Fibromyalgia can affect any part of your body, your mind, your muscles, joints, and your insides. 

I know that I am going to come out of this flare and feel pretty good but right now, I just want somebody to take care of my kids for me, and my dogs for me and make them their meals.  I don’t want to ask anybody though because I have been working more hours and babysitting that I don’t feel right asking somebody to take them after being away from them for so long.  Right now…I want to crawl in my bed and sleep, but I am a mommy to two young children that need me to get up(not easy)get them dressed(really not easy) and make them meals(really really not easy)and keep them from beating each other up or getting hurt from climbing on or in things(extremely tiring and difficult to do).

I can’t wait until I get back to my pain that doesn’t cause me to bend over in pain, and I am having a very hard time coping with the idea of this causing me so much pain and dealing with the fact that I am 28 years old…29 in a few weeks…and I am going to have this monster in my muscles and body for the REST of my life.  I have been short tempered with my husband and children because I don’t feel well and even though I know I am doing it…it’s like an outer body experience, I can see that I am being wretched, and nasty, but I can’t seem to stop the garbage things I say from coming out of my mouth.  I have found myself in a position I don’t EVER like to be in, I have to apologize.  I have to find a way to make it up to my husband for being so awful to him.  I hurt so bad, I just want everybody to let me rest, but it’s impossible.

I know this too shall pass…and that is what I am hanging on for.

You know, I never thought in my life that I would want my old pain back.  I never thought I would be okay with any pain, but now, when I am in a flare, and my body hurts from head to toe literally, I catch myself saying to anybody who will listen,  I just wish I could go back to my normal pain. 

 What is my normal pain?  I always have a nagging, burning pain from the base of head that goes down my neck and into my shoulders.  My back right behind my chest is always so tight it feels like it needs to be cracked.  My lower back hurts really bad if I stand OR sit too long.  I have a slight pain in my knees that if I step the wrong way sends shooting pains up and down my legs…and a few other nagging pains that really, compared to my flare pains are not that bad.  I never thought I would ever get to the point where I said, “my pain isn’t that bad today”…even though I still have pain, when I come out of a flare, the every day pain, is bearable.

Now…a flare, on the other hand, I am a mess.  I hurt all over my body and a lot of times it’s so hard to explain exactly where I hurt because there isn’t a part of my body that doesn’t hurt that bad.  Instead, there are days when I can’t walk because of the pain in my hips and knees.  I literally have to have my husband help me get up and go to the bathroom, and help me get dressed, and help me in bed and help me back up because laying down hurts, and then back to bed because sitting up hurts.  I can’t sleep but I am too exhausted, the pain is overwhelming and I just want to cry…”PLEASE, PLEASE, LET ME GO BACK TO MY OLD PAIN”!!! 

When I do go back to my old pain, I feel like I am superwoman.  I get UP!! That in itself is HUGE, especially after a flare that succeeded in keeping me down and out.  Then I clean my house, and play with my kids, and walk on my treadmill, and have a special night with my husband, and I do all sorts of things.  Doing that is not just huge, it is MONDO GINORMOUS(I know not a word, but it fits when I come out of a flare)…and then doing all of that,  I do it over several days, but try to cram it into one or two days because I want to take advantage of feeling good, and want to get it all over with in a few days just in case I flare, or to enjoy some family time and some me time.

If you haven’t already gotten to this point where you are okay with your everyday pain, trust me, you will get there…some day.  I didn’t want people to tell me I would be okay with the pain and that I would be able to handle it and make it through the bad days.  I wanted to think that I was NOT going to be okay and I was not going to be able to handle it…because when I first started getting sick…I didn’t feel okay and I didn’t feel like I could handle it.   But I can now and when a flare hits…I hold on tight and do as much as I can to pass the time.  Word searches, other puzzles, drawing(i have actually gotten back to my old hobby here), scrapbooking, playing computer games, writing blogs on the computer..anything to get through the days…I hold on tight and I talk to God.  When the flare does subside, and you go back to your old pain, you will get what I am talking about.

I remember growing up and whining to my mom, “that’s not FAIR!!!”, only to have my mommy come back with “LIFE’S NOT FAIR” If only then I knew what I know now…Life is not fair.

Why is it okay for a small town girl , a cheerleader, babysitter, big and little sister, daughter, with so much ambition and with such a big heart, a friend…to be teased about her weight from the boys in her school? Life’s not fair…that’s why.

Why is it okay for a small town girl to lose her best friend to a lie that wasn’t true? Life’s not fair, that’s why.

Why is it okay for that small town girl to find the love of her life and marry him, only to lose a lot of her so-called friends because she married a cop? Life’s not fair, that’s why.

Why is it okay for a woman, and her cop husband to get pregnant and become so overwhelmed with joy, just to miscarry that baby and have their dreams and hearts shattered? Life’s not fair, that’s why.

Why is it okay for that same woman and her husband the cop to have to healthy babies and a happy life, and then get smacked in the face by the fibromonster(fibromyalgia), life’s not fair that’s why.

All of these situations have happened to me, but do you know why that small town girl got teased for being fat by the boys?…because those were young and immature boys, and as soon as I got to college, I found out that not everybody is as concerned with weight as those mean high school boys were. There were guys attracted to me for ME.
Do you know why I lost my best friend to a lie?… because she went her way and I went mine and if we had stayed the friends we were, neither of us would have the life or family we have now. We were really bad influences on each other, and it took losing her, for me to realize that I need to straighten up my act. And do you know why I lost my friends when I married a cop?… because I found out who was going to be there for me through thick and thin and who was going to be my life long friends, and who were just temporary friends that I HAD a great time with and some memories that will always make me smile with . And do you know why I had to miscarry a baby before becoming the mother of two wonderful toddlers? Because God needed my angel and he wasn’t ready for me to be a mother yet…it took another year or so for me to have my family we dreamed of. And do you know why God didn’t give me Fibro before he gave me babies? I do. I know that God knew how much I could and could not handle with my fibro and had I gotten pregnant after I had the fibro, I would have been a mess.

So, here I am a mother of two fabulous toddlers ages 1, (a girl Ruby), and 3,( a boy Levi). I am a wife to a man that has to be the most courageous and strongest man I know because he puts up with so much when I am in a flare. I gave him an “easy out”, I told him he could divorce me if he didn’t think he could handle the fibromyalgia and if he didn’t think he could take care of me while in a bad flare, which might include, helping me to the bathroom, helping me get dressed and undressed, helping me in and out of my recliner on my bad days…and do you know what he told me?

He said…”I said for better or worse and I meant it, Sarah, I love you!”  What a man. I pray and hope that anybody that is slapped by the fibro monster will get the chance to have a loving husband like I do. Don’t get me wrong, he has his days where the fibromyalgia is just too much for him to handle and he gets mad. Sometimes at just the fibro, and sometimes, even though he knows it’s the fibro, at me…because lets face it…distinguishing the difference between the person and the disease is hard to do. Sometimes it’s hard for our loved ones to remember that we can’t help it that we aren’t as active as we used to be and we can’t help it that at the last minute we have to cancel plans because the fibromonster decided we weren’t going out for the evening.