Living With Fibromyalgia

Every morning the hardest thing it seems I do is getting up, but then the rest of the day happens and I was wrong. The hardest thing is the next thing, and somehow I cannot get away from the next thing. The bad part is that these are everyday simple acts, shower, dress for work, drive to work, etc. Each act is a process that becomes a physically and emotionally draining experience. As each process completes itself, my ability to communicate and express myself becomes increasingly diminished. By the end of the day the only thing I intend to do is make it home and go to bed. It is hard to keep a proper perspective when faced with this scenario day in and day out. Adjusting to this new “normal” is very draining, and depressing. The temptation to seek out permanent solutions to this frustrating existence is ever present. Thankfully, my conversations with my savior keep this in check. I have learned that he gracefully carries me through every battle with anxiety, every bout with negative thoughts, and every painful flare. Without Jesus, I would not have made it through any trial, no matter how big or small it was. He has been my lifeline, my hope, my comfort, and anything else I have needed. I am also sure that he has provided my family with the grace to put up with the new me; the less patient, easily irritable, always tired, and the, not so articulate me.
Having a chronic illness, such as Fibromyalgia, creates an environment in which one wants to take the path of least resistance in any situation. I have found that to be true, at least in my case. This (new normal) attitude does lend itself to the creation of additional frustrations such as incomplete projects, procrastinating to the point of “now forgotten” and other seemingly lazy inactions. Although those of us “in the know” realize everyone else was fortunate we remembered to start anything, much less have the energy to finish something. This conflict between this “invisibly ill” and the  normal population will no doubt continue in a frustrating manner unless I (the person with the disability) change the expectations of myself (still adjusting to that new normal) . Yes, the fault lies with me. The only way anyone will be satisfied with any job or project I do, including simple ones, will be if I am honest with them about my capabilities. If I continue to say, I’ll do this and I’ll do that when I know I cannot, the conflict will remain. There will be times when circumstances beyond my control will render something unfinished, but that is no different from what happens to anyone else. When I commit to do something, even if it is one thing, and it is left incomplete, the frustration will arrive. Learning to understand the new limitations, that come and go, is an ongoing process, what I can do today, I might not can do tomorrow, and in the same respect, what I cannot do today, I might can do tomorrow. This is very hard to adjust to, but it is my new “normal”.

Mostly I try not to discuss how I feel with very many people. Usually they do not really care or the explanation is longer than they anticipated. Most people won’t believe you are ill no matter what you tell them. So mostly, I listen to them and save my feelings and complaints for my wife, who graciously listens to me as I embark on one of my “tangents”. Even with her, I try not to complain too much, it takes away from her being able to tell me how she is feeling. I have learned to save my remarks, on my condition, for a more suitable time. There are times when I need to express myself, and so, I tell my complaints, and such, to Jesus. If I could not talk to him, I believe all this would just drive me insane. He fully understands anything I am going through, because he is the one who has allowed it. Sovereign over all things is what his word teaches me about the events that do and do not happen in my life. Regardless of my understanding, these life events and circumstances will ultimately serve to bring glory to Jesus. He causes all things to work for good for those who love him.

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Reality

I’m walking in a fog

That’s only in my mind

Reality escapes me

With the passing time

All my recent living

Seems but a distant past

And all my faithful fantasies

Have even left my grasp

The struggle to continue

Becomes harder every day

Each time I try to hold on

I just get pushed away

Surrounded by an enemy

I just can’t see or hear

Too hard to see The Truth

If it be far or near

With all the battle raging

It is difficult to cope

That’s why I trust in Jesus

In him I put my hope

He will never leave me

For I know his word is true

He saved me from myself

Before I ever knew

db (C)

I had been teaching a Sunday school class when I was diagnosed, and the strain of preparing a lesson and then presenting it was starting to wear me down. This was on top of continuing to work full-time and attempting to maintain my home responsibilities. After missing Sunday service several weeks in a row, I finally had to resign from teaching. This, contrary to the reaction I got from others, was one of the hardest things I believe I ever had to do. I still believe that God has teaching in my future, I know not when or where. At this point, I nearly completely withdrew from attending my church. My wife and I only attended a handful of times during the year. Because of my condition, services either irritated me, or brought severe pain and exhaustion from sitting or standing for any length of time.

I continue to study God’s word. It has been a comfort, given me a wealth of understanding and some not so subtle correction when I have needed it. It seems as though God pulled me away from everything else so he could teach me things I would have otherwise not known. One of the many things that God taught me in this trying time was that everything, and I mean everything has a purpose. Of the things that I did not want to learn about myself, was that I was guilty, guilty of many things, but one thing in particular, idolatry. Idolatry, yes idolatry, “but all I’ve done during this time is try live with this disease that you have allowed. I’ve studied your word when I can, I pray all time (well not all the time) more than I used to”. “I’ve learned everything I could about what you’ve given me.” Guilty, How? This awareness of my guilt took me by surprise, but then I realized, he’s right. Jesus was no longer as important to me as he had once been. Instead of relying on Jesus to bring me through whatever my Fibromyalgia would bring my way. I had put it and how it was ruining my life in a place higher than Jesus. Yes guilty I was. The revelation of this matter brought me to my knees as the full realization of what I had done hit me. There were no words that I could use to explain my way out of this. I had discarded the Name above all names, I had thrown out the King of kings, I had walked away from my savior, the one who bought me with own suffering and his own blood. I had replaced him with my own physical condition. What vanity, what pride, what selfishness, I had no words to express my sorrow. It took me several days of pondering my spiritual condition before I could even approach this in my prayers. The Bible is clear, if you wish to follow Jesus you will partake in his suffering. We are not to act as if our affliction is something strange, but something to be expected and rejoiced in. God matures us through our trials and tribulations. Our affliction here is but for a short time, and it readies us for what comes later. These were truths that I had studied and taught before, but suddenly I had a different understanding of what they truly meant. I had forgotten who the Great Physician was; I had forgotten whom the Master is, I had forgotten to keep my eyes on Jesus. What can I do now? I was caught, I was busted, I was found guilty, what did I do now? I felt so foolish, so ashamed that I did not even notice this happening.

The one thing that came to mind was that if we confess our sin, he is faithful and just to forgive them. So, I did. Does this mean that my fibro went away? No, it is still here, and still trying to take first place, but I know now what this battle is for and can recognize it for what it is, a part of the plan that God has for me. The part that shows me where my faith and strength lie, where it always has, in Gods hands. No matter how bad I feel in the mornings when I get up, I try to remember to thank God for one more day. I try to always call on his direction when plans need to be made. I try to rest in his arms when my symptoms flare. Am I always successful at this? No I am not; I am still human with human limitations. Some days I just want to give up trying, some days I’m stubborn and keep trying when I shouldn’t. Some days this disease gets the best of me no matter what I do, and when it does, I trust that Jesus holds me through it all. The one thing I do not want to happen again is to let this fibro become the most important thing in my life. It is a big part of my life, and unless God changes that, it will always be. People will not always understand why I do the things I do or why I don’t do the things I don’t, and that’s okay. Jesus knows my heart, and will finish the work that he started. After all, he is the author and finisher of my faith.

Fibro came in my life and turned it upside down. I could let rule over me and relive my frustration over and over or, I could give it to Jesus and watch him work it for my good.

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