Every morning the hardest thing it seems I do is getting up, but then the rest of the day happens and I was wrong. The hardest thing is the next thing, and somehow I cannot get away from the next thing. The bad part is that these are everyday simple acts, shower, dress for work, drive to work, etc. Each act is a process that becomes a physically and emotionally draining experience. As each process completes itself, my ability to communicate and express myself becomes increasingly diminished. By the end of the day the only thing I intend to do is make it home and go to bed. It is hard to keep a proper perspective when faced with this scenario day in and day out. Adjusting to this new “normal” is very draining, and depressing. The temptation to seek out permanent solutions to this frustrating existence is ever present. Thankfully, my conversations with my savior keep this in check. I have learned that he gracefully carries me through every battle with anxiety, every bout with negative thoughts, and every painful flare. Without Jesus, I would not have made it through any trial, no matter how big or small it was. He has been my lifeline, my hope, my comfort, and anything else I have needed. I am also sure that he has provided my family with the grace to put up with the new me; the less patient, easily irritable, always tired, and the, not so articulate me.
Having a chronic illness, such as Fibromyalgia, creates an environment in which one wants to take the path of least resistance in any situation. I have found that to be true, at least in my case. This (new normal) attitude does lend itself to the creation of additional frustrations such as incomplete projects, procrastinating to the point of “now forgotten” and other seemingly lazy inactions. Although those of us “in the know” realize everyone else was fortunate we remembered to start anything, much less have the energy to finish something. This conflict between this “invisibly ill” and the normal population will no doubt continue in a frustrating manner unless I (the person with the disability) change the expectations of myself (still adjusting to that new normal) . Yes, the fault lies with me. The only way anyone will be satisfied with any job or project I do, including simple ones, will be if I am honest with them about my capabilities. If I continue to say, I’ll do this and I’ll do that when I know I cannot, the conflict will remain. There will be times when circumstances beyond my control will render something unfinished, but that is no different from what happens to anyone else. When I commit to do something, even if it is one thing, and it is left incomplete, the frustration will arrive. Learning to understand the new limitations, that come and go, is an ongoing process, what I can do today, I might not can do tomorrow, and in the same respect, what I cannot do today, I might can do tomorrow. This is very hard to adjust to, but it is my new “normal”.
Mostly I try not to discuss how I feel with very many people. Usually they do not really care or the explanation is longer than they anticipated. Most people won’t believe you are ill no matter what you tell them. So mostly, I listen to them and save my feelings and complaints for my wife, who graciously listens to me as I embark on one of my “tangents”. Even with her, I try not to complain too much, it takes away from her being able to tell me how she is feeling. I have learned to save my remarks, on my condition, for a more suitable time. There are times when I need to express myself, and so, I tell my complaints, and such, to Jesus. If I could not talk to him, I believe all this would just drive me insane. He fully understands anything I am going through, because he is the one who has allowed it. Sovereign over all things is what his word teaches me about the events that do and do not happen in my life. Regardless of my understanding, these life events and circumstances will ultimately serve to bring glory to Jesus. He causes all things to work for good for those who love him.
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Reality
I’m walking in a fog
That’s only in my mind
Reality escapes me
With the passing time
All my recent living
Seems but a distant past
And all my faithful fantasies
Have even left my grasp
The struggle to continue
Becomes harder every day
Each time I try to hold on
I just get pushed away
Surrounded by an enemy
I just can’t see or hear
Too hard to see The Truth
If it be far or near
With all the battle raging
It is difficult to cope
That’s why I trust in Jesus
In him I put my hope
He will never leave me
For I know his word is true
He saved me from myself
Before I ever knew
db (C)
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